The Birth of Raven

As I lay on the couch feeling like my big sea lion self, I start to feel something shift. My mother who’s been here for a few weeks now says, “maybe she’s coming today” (just like yesterday and a few days prior) and at that moment in sheer frustration of over prediction, I knew she would arrive very soon. Twenty minutes later to be exact labor ensued due to comments from peanut gallery. And so it begins our 24-hour laboring starting in the evening on Nov. 28th (one of my predictions was Nov. 27th but I kept on saying the 28th by accident).

Off to the birth center we found ourselves in a tranquil sacred space yet barely being able to walk in I enter the arms of the matriarch knowing I’m safe here. Twelve hours of laboring in all different positions (best was on the toilet backwards) envisioning drugs going through my veins trying to relieve the intensity of pain. This was beyond what my body felt capable of. This was also my strength, to acknowledge the truth and what I needed. I learned so much wisdom from the midwives at the birth center and how to stay in it in order to get through it. This is well beyond laboring, this was life tools. As dawn arose and I tried the last ditch effort to shift my body to have a more productive birth, I hobbled cried outside, barefoot, listening to the cars pass by to go to work, I then realized, my body was ready for the next transition and that was a hospital. Although deeply saddened, pain over rode my stream of tears and trying to catch my breath was my main focus. However Raven comes into this world was good with me.

Ahhhhh the car ride from hell. I had to get my 7cm dilated self into the truck with the midwife squeezed in the back and my husband who can’t remember how to get to the hospital safely dodging every pothole in Boulder Colorado. I didn’t have time to wait for an ambulance.

We arrived at the hospital in which I was asked questions but had no breath to answer due to the pain that I was in. Epidural stat, give it to me baby. Another 12 hours pushing breathing trying not to spiral out as even drugs have their limits. We also had another wonderful midwife at the hospital who worked with me in how to get Raven down into the birth canal. I am now 10 cm dilated, 100% effaced and she is not engaged low enough to be birthed. The surgeon comes tip toeing in being gentle with my crunchy self, a little nervous in suggesting what my options are. Little does he know I am fully on board to get a C-section at this point. Bring it. Intuitively early on in mid pregnancy prior to the version of flipping Raven manually, I researched c-section, I wanted to get good with it. I wanted to relieve myself of any anxiety of the unknown so I can be open to whatever options were required at that time. I also had a sneaking suspicion that I would have a csection. I don’t know why, as I birthed Hunter vaginally but I always felt that might not be the same with Raven. For me, if it’s my choice, I’d always choose vaginally, but not all choices are our own. This is our children’s birth too.

Shaking from being hot and cold and nervous, having to use a board like they do in emergencies to transfer me on to the C-section table. My neck due to epidural was in excruciating pain probably worse than even labor pain as my body feels not my own. Tugging, pulling, even though I’m numb the sensations are still intense. And then I feel as if someone removes 8 lb 7 oz from my belly and the relief of that weight, lifting her up to the heavens I hear her cry, tears stream from my eyes. She’s here! Skin to skin, singing her birth song I created for her, she immediately tries to root and find the supply of her Source. My baby’s here, we did it!

Four day hospital stay, being awoke every other hour, doesn’t matter if it’s midnight the staff is just coming on to their shift. I couldn’t wait to get home but since we are in this posh hospital, I mind as well get room service. Prune juice and butter warmed really isn’t that bad. Trying to sit up after your body has had an earthquake ripped through is next to impossible and walking is a luxury. C-sections are major surgery and though I would have loved to do it vaginally this is what was required and I don’t argue with reality, it’s too stressful. So is 24 hours of labor. Hunter was 27+ hours even though he came through the tunnel of light. So grateful to have even gotten pregnant after a 10 + year struggle, but our circle is sealed with Raven and our family complete and I couldn’t be more happy.

We had a few hiccups, one being having to put her on oxygen because of our high altitude in which we live in Colorado at 9000 feet. Another ER visit 2 days later after we left the hospital because she was so sleepy and feeding was challenging. Although I’ve seen several lactation consultants in the hospital I hired out another one to come to my home and she exceeded everything I thought I knew and researched. Thank god, so now my supply is up and she weighs more than her birth weight and things are starting to get into our own rhythm. Talk about opposites. I now have a dragon and a potential unicorn = my fairytale dream.

My little trickster of a Raven has awoke me to so many gifts being offered, through vulnerability and self respect. I’m not really good at receiving myself, in fact it’s a big challenge for me. It’s not just about acceptance of ‘what is’ but to honor WHO. I. AM. Something so much easier to do for another. In this sensitivity and rawness I learned what it’s like to stay centered. I learned (still am) how to step into myself and access that quiet power no longer in contrast but ownership. More often than not, we use contrast (what we don’t like) to understand what we do want/need. But this time, I got the opportunity to do it, soley within. My life recently has been a complete unraveling, most would freak out if they knew the intensity we’ve faced, testing our very foundation of what is real. And in that, being pregnant and having no space to do much of anything towards shifting the physical reality, I got to SIT IN it. I’m not that good at sitting, but that was what was required so I don’t have much of a choice. I’ve found birth isn’t just one person’s celebration, but several. We are no longer one, but many and this transformation into body is never taken lightly for me.

I feel so honored that I got this opportunity to experience birth, in different ways. I feel so honored that my children were able to come earthside, into the physical. I also feel so honored that I got to know them a decade before they arrived and even if they didn’t come into body, I know all would be perfect, but I’m grateful they did. All our struggles are temporary and even though I’m in major healing from surgery and having a newborn on top of that, among other things, I know how fleeting it all is so I *try to appreciate all of it and especially who I’ve been born into – myself.

Thank you Raven, for making me.

And happy birthday (11.29.18) my co-Sagittarius baby being. I love you. And thank you to my beloved husband who made all this possible, you’re my everything Steven. And my little Capricorn son, Hunter, not only are you the very best big brother but you will always be my first love and I’m so thankful for who you are. I wished for all of you, well beyond my knowing. Thank you for being my life.

P.S. Thank you for my goddess of a mother for taking care of ALL of us. I don’t know how I would of survived any other way. All my love. And to all the gods and goddesses in my circle (family & friends) thank you never seems sufficient enough, but please know how valuable you are to us, even if it’s just through our cosmic presence.

In Love,
Vanessa Wishstar,IM