Haines, Alaska Landslide Year 1, Day of: Full circle – only to face our fateful day. What do I do with this ‘review’? Love it? Close it? I don’t have, nor do I know, my big feelings any longer. They’ve swallowed me whole, so all I know is my inside world. Tender and raw. I’m in no hurry here, I adjust. Crying is no longer in contrast here, it’s always damp. Vulnerability opens me to experience love in the strangest…
Haines, Alaska – a state of mind We’ve been through the ringer. Squeezed till teary juice comes, we know this, Haines, AK knows this. Not just as a witnesser, but a companion experiencer. But what most don’t know is how Haines, Alaska works. What is viewed from a far is the tragedy of a landslide, ripping up the very foundation in which we were just getting started. It’s cruel, it’s painful to witness, especially when you can’t see the ‘why’…
I was recently shamed. After I felt the hurt, I felt the turn around. Not just in response to the perpetrator, but where I was truthfully ashamed and he was *right. Instead of denial, I went inside myself to find where I agreed with him, but it wasn’t in the same context of his original statement. You see, where I felt shame was the entirety of the situation. He was the messenger helping me to get there, if I used…
Ghosting My House’s Funeral I sat there waiting for my husband, Steve, to return from the landslide property eviction, my kids pointing out my car’s window as we waited at the bottom of the hillside in the relative safe zone, ambivalent that I’m even parked here for a few minutes. I can’t even drive in the potholed area without having an energetic allergic reaction, even if my mind is elsewhere. Note, Haines, AK is only a few miles long of…
The Red Light to What Feels like the Road to Nowhere.(Haines Dec. 2020 Disaster – Landslide on Beach Road.)Front page picture of view down the landslide from the top by: Tom Ganner. The road is open, but we can’t go home – we are the ‘Red Zone’. As celebration happens on Beach Road, in Haines Alaska, it is a bittersweet reunion with our past lives. For half of the Beach Road community (Green-Zone) it is met with promise, excitement and…
Dear grieving heart, I am sorry for all you’ve gone through as it seems trite to type. Writing it out feels unbearable, as if to put it on paper brings it more into reality. Where am I? Am I typing too loudly? Thinking too loudly? Pouting too loudly? What’s too loud are those 21st century vehicles pulling up to a stop sign directly outside my paper sheeted apartment wall. The stop sign means stop motherfucker. I can’t believe this is…
Authoring Your Reality. In the spiritual mindset we are programmed to believe what we think is our reality. So, our focus will naturally be on creating, manifesting, bringing forth our good! In deeper spirituality wisdom, we value reality and are driven by marking them ‘preferences’ (our current desires) while simultaneously surrendering them to the Universe. Poof! Magical things happen. But what if that’s not important in this moment currently – the preferences? What if you know all that, but what…
Grief Suspended Where do you go to grieve, when you don’t know where you are?As if there’s too much weight to carry yourself and your heavy heart. What do I do with this grief, no one wants to touch?I cannot share this terrible poo poo platter, inviting friends to listen during their lunch break. Burdened them with my burden. I don’t want inquiry from a therapist, I want validation.Deep curiosity as if they’re listening to a story of creation.Maybe I should…
Me. Now. I feel a little strange. As if I were thawing out. I don’t know who I am when I meet another. I can’t fit into my past life, as if my clothes don’t work for me anymore. I thought I was fine, until I open my eyes and see what they see. Am I crazy? I can’t relate…to anyone. Nothing little exists. It’s all ‘biggies’ it feels, nowadays. Where am I in this space? I just want to…
Death of the Conditioned Mind Never in my life have I seen the radical affects of our conditioned mind more than through the transit of death. Knee deep in making sense to understand. We are not our mind, for it is just an after-thought. A compliment. My grandmother transited out-of-body. I did not get the concrete memo of factual information. Instead I got it via fractal code of consciousness – the before-mind. Slightly embarrassed, questioning my profession and are *they…