I’m so Happy!

“I’m so happy!”
(excerpt from The Mountain Moved Me book)

Being happy is the most rebellious thing one can do in the face of FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real). “What can I do”, I scream inside my head. I just need to be able to do something! 

“BE HAPPY”, I hear. 

Cultivate it, pluck it out of the dirt, roll in the center of it – diving head first. These sharp contrasts challenges life throws at us can either slice us up or direct us to the environment in which we cannot live without, nor attached. The happiness springs deep within our own well. 

We arrived back home to Deishu/Haines, AK, and I felt everything as if it were waiting for our return, but no time passed. We gently arrive, asking permission to cross the threshold into the house, awaking it from its seasoned hibernation. Chopping wood to warm its bones – altering the stale interior air, opening the windows – refreshed by the chilliness. I sink down into my most favorite bed, pulling up my most favorite gifted (donated from the landslide) extravagant flannel sheets and eagerly awaiting a soak – warming my Florida blood. Come next morning, we didn’t have modern day conveniences. The instant hot water heater blitzed out, the propane tank was empty and it was Saturday afternoon already when everything takes a weekend for itself. When things like this happen, we tend to take a big sigh and ‘make do’, but we have other meatier challenges that we’re dealing with – getting laid off is one of them. Our main income zapped and while also managing a bankruptcy, in which we pay for during the next 5yrs. Things happen for our highest good, right? Right. So, when we have micro challenges like having to dry-camp inside our rental house in Alaska, we give thanks that at least it has a roof, walls and a fireplace! We give gratitude that it even exists in a land where that’s hard to come by. We’re happy to be here, that is more real than real. 

I did the Ho’Oponopono mantra on the water heater, I even wrote it out, sticking the post-it note words directly on the water tank itself, and even more then fell apart, all leading to my divine storyline. I panicked, I fell apart into a million pieces when we tried to ‘fix it’, thinking it was a problem. I hated asking to borrow someone’s shower. I hated asking for someone (our landlords) to potentially pay for something I needed, when they’re already giving us everything. I prayed so hard and it wasn’t until the next morning in which I had an encounter with my child did I realize I didn’t have to ‘_____ so hard’ on anything. 

I was reading to my kids an article about rattlesnakes and how they don’t actually kill people, in fact it’s rare. And upon talking to my children about this, I thought in my head, “I wonder if the kids have their musical rattle somewhere in this house?” And just then somehow within the same second, my son grabs the musical rattle, that mysteriously showed up on the counter right in front of him, and acts like a snake god. My jaw dropped that something so easily could show up given I have no attachments/needs to it, I got to see first hand HOW it works… again. I didn’t ‘try’, I didn’t even pray, or hope, or reach, or find, I just allowed, aligned, *asked and it showed up effortlessly. 

So, I put it to work. I believed. I believed this situation of this water heater dilemma was going to be fixed. I *knew it. Not psychically, not forseeing, not even trying to believe, I just FELT it. I felt it was ok. Everything was ok. I knew this was the only way of doing things because I was actually eager to wash the dishes (my most hated job). I was eager to bake cookies and make a mess, again something I wouldn’t do when I didn’t have the ability to clean up. I looked at my ragged self in the mirror, even though I just took a shower at my landlord’s house the previous day, almost a way of defiance acting as if I’ll just wait to take a shower – staying in my pajamas (something I never do). I got on with it. I stopped *trying so hard to make things work. If only society would support that *lack of effort, but I suppose I’m the society to start doing such a non-task. 

And then….

Then, after some phone calls, our landlord’s amazing grace, and my husband’s magick – two men who love to fix things, we see the propane folks drive up, filling up our tank on Monday morning so now we can cook on the stove instead of the fireplace which it took 1 hour to make three pancakes. That day, Steve went on two interviews via online – one in which they declined one of the interviews, just prior to his meeting, due to the position was filled that prior weekend, but the first interview (which was more of a lead into other things) went fantastically. And then after multiple phone calls and helpful people, we found a temporary work around to get the water heater working and its parts are under warranty!

The ironic part about all of this, was I was torn on if I should take a brand new shower or wash the dishes. Normally it’s a no brainer, I was just so damn excited we had warm water, I didn’t care if it was on my hands or whole body. 

This sharp contrast is the medicine in itself. The feeling of “I’m so happy” as I couldn’t stop singing it in the shower, wasn’t entirely stemmed from relief, but rather from contrast. I must have needed to experience this sharp contrast to be ABLE to appreciate what we all take for granted. Gratitude is a monitor. Happiness is a make-believer! It makes us believe/understand that everything is so unbelievably perfect ‘as is’. Shaking us out of our shell of protection, and trying, and satisfaction only if we’re met the way we want it to be. 

I didn’t get a warm shower because I wanted it. I got a warm shower because I believed I would. I didn’t “______ so hard”. I just let it show up. I gave space for its form, in how it wanted to show up. I didn’t grab the reins, form the clay, manifest, try, pray, hope, want. Well, I did do those things, but those were just additives. I just believed, much like the sound of the snake rattle showing up live in our story. 

I’m asking the universe to believe in me. I believe it goes both ways. 

Try not to ask. 

Try not to beg. 

And god forbid, I’ve found, do not bargain.

Maybe just believe in how you want to feel? I believe I wanted to feel aqua-cleansed. And as I caressed my skin after I dried off from that shower, I felt like a Barbie doll, my skin so smooth – buffed from life’s challenges. I wrapped my arms around myself in delight, pulling myself up on my imaginary high heels, singing, “I’m so happy, I’m so happy!”