Unit number 33
Our treasures have a hard time holding joy when there’s no space to hold them. Brown boxed life, living out of storage units in three different states.
I ponder why I need to share this story as I don’t mean to depress. I’m no longer in 100% survival mode, as we just got our ticket to freedom – our family is now on parole as of last week. Finally a remote job, a possibility to think beyond now. Dare I say, plan? But what is left from this wake of earth shattering non-tempered glass? A return to normalcy? Nothing can even come close.
Broom in tow with hair entangled and a picker up that doesn’t do its job, ever. Have I left my dreams or have my dreams left me? No matter what I *try to do, there’s no way through this pile of trees, mud…and water, so much water, frozen then defrosted, gurgling and pulling me under. At least it’s clear so I can see there’s no way out.
I’m at the wheel of pure destiny. I no longer want. Scratch that, I do want – to feel things, like safety, ability to run to safety, not feeling trapped in a life threatening situation. I was always good at going out of my body, the hard part is getting back in. Like a genie in a lantern, too big of a Wishstar to get into something so small and seemingly inflexible. “What do I want”, I ask myself? I stumble for a feeling that makes sense. In contrast, I know what I don’t want… maybe. Sadness hits my chest, I’m still ‘middle class homeless’, now able to look at this enormous debt and there’s no best move forward. I’m repeatedly warned of foolish desires, for I am no longer valued since my net worth is negative. Have you ever asked a homeless person, what do they really want? It would probably be something very simple, similar to what we all want. To be of value. Real value, not just returnable, but valued in a way that our presence, even if dirty, splayed out in the middle of the road causing people to feel stuff, is extremely important. We didn’t choose this, but maybe we were chosen for it. It will drive one mad.
I realized I can’t win because winning is a game and I never play games to win, unless I cheat and that makes it fun. I’m super competitive with myself, but not another because can’t we all win? Isn’t that fun? My 7 year old Capricorn completely disagrees. I’ve been trying to practice separation from sharing with others who can’t understand me. I’m unexplainable. How can I attest to my *choices when I’m not in the driver’s seat, the gods are my wind, and my direction is intuitive. I don’t know why I feel pulled to do what I must do. I no longer have smart answers. You are free to judge me. I just won’t be able to hear you. *What?
(*still ranting about my poor choices, past or future.)
Vulnerability is the greatest teacher I’ve had.
Queening,
Vanessa Wishstar
Intuitive Psychic Medium, Spirit Guide & Writer